Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
