i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I love having hate sex.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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