Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
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i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
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Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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