i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
