Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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