I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
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I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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