My friends, they love my intelligence
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
