At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
