Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
