Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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