organizing the empties. That sober.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex