Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
