We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
