my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
