I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
