I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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