My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
