it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
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Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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