If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
