this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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