you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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