possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
