I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
