can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I touched a dick in church today
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
