When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
