Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
