And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
