My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
