Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
