I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I cannot find my penis.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
