how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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