Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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