Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize