Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
