My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
