It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
