Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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