Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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