If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?