he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
