i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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