Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
