There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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