Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
