So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Sacagawea was the original milf.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
