Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
