I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
