I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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