im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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