She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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