i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
