I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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