When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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