So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
