I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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