You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize